One year ago today life, as I knew it, changed forever. My precious mother died a horrible death at the hands of the surgeon who botched her surgery and the nurses who overdosed her on morphine, not once, but twice. She eventually died from the pneumonia that was caused when they realized their mistake and flushed her so rapidly that her lungs were filled with fluid. It still stings to know that she should not have died from a case of diverticulitis.
My mother was the glue that held our diverse, dispersed and somewhat dysfunctional family together. After her death a lot of things changed. People changed, relationships changed...things happened that I never thought I would see in my own family. Family hurting family... it just should not be that way.
Something happens deep inside when the people you love the most cause so much pain and heartache, especially when you are already dealing with great loss and horrible tragedy. Basic trust in mankind is greatly damaged and you have to work really hard to trust people again, to heal emotionally and not become bitter.
It has been a difficult year of hard work trying to heal those deep wounds. I have read a lot, prayed often, and listened to probably a hundred sermons on trials and forgiveness. I've made a lot of progress, but I'm not completely there yet. It is a continual work.
Progress has also been made in some of the damaged relationships but things will never be the same. Some relationships will probably never be restored, I have grieved those losses and have come to terms with that. Some things are simply out of my hands.
I struggle at times with being transparent and real, especially about things of such a sensitive nature. The last thing I want is to stir things up and create more trouble, but this has been the reality of my life this past year. God has been so faithful to me during this very dark year of pain and heartache. I have been amazed at the times that God has allowed me to stumble upon the very thing I needed to hear. He has been a healing balm for my soul. I can't imagine going through the pain of this life without my faith in God and hope of eternal life in heaven.Of seeing my mom again and having real restoration and healing once and for all. Oh, glorious day!
We cannot understand why some things happen.I do know that God can and does weave all these pains and sorrows into a chain of love which glorifies HIm.I do not understand why I have to be a widow,when we still had so much living to do,but I trust that God knows and He will keep me.Rest in Him and gain strength my friend.
ReplyDeleteGod bless you sweetie. Things happen sometimes in our lives that we just cannot phantom their reasoning at all.It is so hard to lose family and friends and it is especially hard when it causes separations and divisions.Sometimes it just hurts us so much to try to understand why people sometimes even act the way they do. Like you I would not know what to do with out God's help and hand in my life."What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger" can sometimes be an awful lesson to get through.LOL! Sometimes it is just making it through it and knowing we have done all we can and leaving it there and it is such a relief when you realize it. I am sorry for your loss and what you have gone through. We all have them I have found and it is just what we become from them that matters.
ReplyDeleteThis was a wonderful memorial to your Mother.
So sorry you had to deal with the loss of your mother, especially in that way. It's hard to lose someone we love, and families often look at things differently, and say things without thought. We are also more sensitive during these times, and together it's a perfect storm for hurt feelings. You are doing well if you are not bitter.
ReplyDeleteLife is a struggle without the ones we love, but now as a widow of almost two years, I know time does help. Friends helped me so much, because they understood that I just didn't want to talk and they were my support. I hope we can do that for you. God is great and God is good. ♥♫
ReplyDeleteMay the Lord grant you peace that surpasses the world's understanding. may you always know the world may let you down, but He never will.
ReplyDeleteI remember when you first told us about your Mother. It was such a shock. I do wish you continued healing and most of all peace. Big Hugs.
ReplyDeleteI think of you often, Robin. God bless you and your family.
ReplyDeleteHug.
ReplyDeleteIt is so hard to see relationships fail in times of sorrow when people need them the most. It's good that you recognize that some of them will never be the same although you will no doubt continue to grieve for what once was and is not now. I'll keep positive thoughts for you and for the family.
ReplyDeleteThere is so much in your words that I can empathize with, Robin... your grief in particular. It is an extremely difficult road to travel. But you are doing the right things by turning to prayer and scriptural study to find solace and hope. The first year is the hardest. The second year is a bit better but still the anniversaries of things tender still are in the forefront of one's mind. After the second year, the pain and grief become less poignant and the hope of the eternal promises of the world to come become more pronounced.
ReplyDeleteI feel like I should share with you a definition of forgiveness that helped me significantly. I seen in dictionaries that the root of the word really means "To waive any desire for punishment". Somehow that helped me be able to embrace forgiveness for those that had hurt me the deepest. I don't have to be okay with their actions, but I can let go of the desire to see them punished.
Cindy at Rosehaven Cottage
I've seen this kind of division in families after the loss of a loved one firsthand. Sometimes those wounds never heal, which is so sad. I'm glad that your faith has given you strength, Robin. May God bless you and continue to give you comfort.
ReplyDeleteMy heart goes out to your family. I hope time heals the wounds your family has suffered and makes the loss of your beloved mother more bearable. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteSo sorry for your loss. I lost my granddaughter this past February. Not a mistake but,,,, well things happen. I believe as you do that we will see her again. Meanwhile at 65 I am raising her son who will soon be 2. What a blessing he is. God bless you and comfort you. Everything happens for a reason, we all have an allotted time here, hers was up and we go on without her. Its difficult but its life. Thank God my family grew together and not apart. I pray that your family heals in time.
ReplyDeleteJanice